y.st./source/pages/en/weblog/2017/07-July/17.xhtml

<?php
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$xhtml = array(
	'title' => 'As long as I don&apos;t want medication and surgery, I don&apos;t have to be a transwoman.',
	'body' => <<<END
<section id="general">
	<h2>General news</h2>
	<p>
		It appears that Chase updated my name in their records after all!
		Sweet.
	</p>
	<p>
		Cricket Wireless&apos; website has been refusing to process my order.
		They said a representative would get back to me by today, but they never did.
		It&apos;s the final day of my mobile service with T-Mobile, which means it was vital that I cancel my service today.
		There was no other way.
		I ended up going in-person to place the order, and in the process, I ended up having to pay their stupid in-person activation fee.
		This is <strong>*exactly*</strong> why I was trying to place the order online.
		Otherwise, I&apos;d much prefer an in-person sale.
		The business cards have likewise been ordered.
	</p>
	<p>
		My <a href="/a/canary.txt">canary</a> still sings the tune of freedom and transparency.
	</p>
</section>
<section id="mental">
	<h2>Mental health watch</h2>
	<p>
		My hands and face seem to look a bit different to me now.
		My hands seem less chunky, and a bit more dainty (not that I&apos;ve ever had a problem with my hands).
		My face is also no longer ugly.
		It&apos;s like ... these things seem more like they&apos;re my own.
		I think now that my mind is whole, I see my body more as being just me.
		And I&apos;m almost certain my mind is whole now.
		I&apos;ve awakened as me!
		I <strong>*feel*</strong> whole, I feel <strong>*complete*</strong>.
		My man cravings have disappeared entirely.
		I think as I regained my capacity to connect with people, my mind craved a man to complete me, but now, I don&apos;t need that.
		I&apos;m complete on my own.
		I&apos;m certain I still have the capacity to fall in love with a man, but there&apos;s no longer a burning, aching need to do so.
		If it happens, it happens.
		If it doesn&apos;t, it doesn&apos;t.
		A man can&apos;t complete what is no longer broken.
		Either way, I feel wonderful.
	</p>
	<p>
		I talked to my mother today.
		Apparently, my mother asked me in the past if I was gay, but at the time, I must not&apos;ve known.
		I assume I would&apos;ve thought about it, which means I must&apos;ve already been broken at that time, unable to be attracted to anyone.
		Also, it seems while I may or may not have told my mother about thinking I was supposed to be a girl, I did express <strong>*wanting*</strong> to be a girl.
		I guess nothing was done about that though.
		It&apos;s possible after all that I&apos;m a heterosexual transwoman, not a homosexual man.
		I can&apos;t fully rule out the possibility just yet.
		However, I still think there&apos;s enough masculinity in me to make keeping my current body an acceptable choice.
		I certainly have a lot of femininity in me, but I never went through the body horror stage I&apos;ve heard transgendered people do at puberty.
		I&apos;m told the changes their bodies go through, which are normal for their physical sex, horrify and disgust them.
		I don&apos;t recall that ever happening to me.
		I think my feminine half will be just fine, as long as her touch is present in my apparel and mannerisms.
		I don&apos;t think she <strong>*wants*</strong> to be fully-feminine.
		I&apos;m pretty sure I&apos;m only half girl.
		I don&apos;t think she, alone, is complete.
		She needs my masculine half to form a full entity, a complete person.
		I&apos;m split down the middle, and either half alone is a mess.
		Only together, with my halves in sync, can I remain happy.
	</p>
	<p>
		... I&apos;m not fully feminine, am I?
		I mean, I disassemble and reassemble computers.
		I program.
		I like button-up, men&apos;s cut shirts (admittedly with a floral pattern).
		I prefer to do things myself, not get someone to help me.
		I like big pockets, though I guess a lot of women do too.
		They just don&apos;t get them because women&apos;s pants don&apos;t tend to have them.
		I ... just don&apos;t know.
		For now, it makes me happy to think I&apos;m a hodgepodge, so that&apos;s what I&apos;m going with for now.
		If it turns out not to fit me later, so be it.
		Also ... the surgery scares me.
		I&apos;d like to think that if I were really a transwoman, I&apos;d want to be a woman badly enough that I&apos;d be willing to take the risk.
		Instead, I&apos;m very unsure, and leaning away from that option.
	</p>
	<p>
		The nagging fear wouldn&apos;t go away though, and I tried to reach out to a new $a[IRC] network with a gay channel on it.
		No dice, they maliciously discriminate against $a[Tor] users.
		I managed to find a channel for gay geeks on a network I&apos;m already on though.
		I wasn&apos;t really looking for geeks, but I&apos;m pretty sure I&apos;m gay and I&apos;m certain I&apos;m a geek, so it was somewhere I&apos;d fit in.
		I expressed my fear, hoping for advice.
		Do other gay men at some point in their lives want to women?
		I didn&apos;t really get an answer to that one, but the conversation was incredibly helpful in getting me to relax.
		The main conclusion of the conversation: screw gender norms.
		Even if I go full girl in personality and mannerisms (which at the moment, seems highly unlikely), I shouldn&apos;t let society&apos;s view on genders keep me from being the me I want to be.
		If I want to act like a woman but I want nothing to do with surgery, so be it.
		As long as I don&apos;t want medication and surgery, I don&apos;t have to be a transwoman.
	</p>
	<p>
		My mother tried to get me to move with her too.
		That&apos;s ... not a good idea.
		I was too scared of hurting her, so I didn&apos;t bring up what all she&apos;s done to me and why I can&apos;t go with her.
		If she pushes, I&apos;ll have to let her have it though.
	</p>
</section>
END
);