y.st./source/pages/en/weblog/2017/05-May/28.xhtml

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$xhtml = array(
	'title' => '',
	'body' => <<<END
<section id="general">
	<h2>General news</h2>
	<p>
		I barely made it to ten sit-ups today.It wasn&apos;t a lack of strength, though I have that too.
		It was an inconvenient placement of my centre of gravity.
		I might need to find a differed exercise.
		Push-ups are the obvious answer, but they exercise my arms, not my abdomen, so they aren&apos;t useful to me at the moment.
		I love living alone, but this is one situation in which I could use the help.
		If only someone could hold my feet to the floor ...
	</p>
	<p>
		I came up with a fun prank I might like to pull on my coworkers and mother.
		I&apos;m not sure how to pull it off yet, but it&apos;d be fun to cover up my eyebrows and make it look like I shaved them off.
		I couldn&apos;t be the first to come up with this prank, so I did a quick Web search to see how to pull it off.
		There&apos;s surprising-little information on the topic though.
		I was able to find a story of someone who pulled that prank before though, and it seems I might just need some glue and makeup.
		They pulled the prank long-distance though, using digital video and photography.
		I&apos;m not sure if it&apos;s convincing enough in person.
		Additionally, I don&apos;t use makeup, so I don&apos;t know which makeup matches my skin tone.
	</p>
	<p>
		I had several things to say about work today, but now that I&apos;m home, I don&apos;t feel like saying any of them.
		It was all insignificant, in retrospect.
	</p>
	<p>
		My <a href="/a/canary.txt">canary</a> still sings the tune of freedom and transparency.
	</p>
</section>
<section id="mental">
	<h2>Mental health watch</h2>
	<p>
		My hormone changes appear continue, and it&apos;s very frustrating.
		So far, I continue to retain who I am, but it would be a lie to say I&apos;m not nervous.
		I want to continue being me, and ... I&apos;m a little scared I won&apos;t be able to do that.
		I recently started noticing secondary sex characteristics more.
		That&apos;s been unnerving simply because my brain didn&apos;t work that way before.
		I&apos;m unsure how far these changes will progress or what they&apos;ll include, so any change is going to scare me.
		However, today, I noticed having a <strong>*preference*</strong> for one sex&apos;s secondary sexual characteristics.
		This horrifies me.
	</p>
	<p>
		Losing my asexuality to bisexuality would be bad enough.
		At least I&apos;d still see everyone equally though.
		But now, I fear I might be transitioning to one of the two sexist sexual orientations.
		I&apos;ve been worried about this all day.
	</p>
	<p>
		As long as my rational side retains full control of my actions, I might be able to look at the bright side once the changes have completed and come to a halt.
		Until then, I won&apos;t know for sure what I&apos;m going to end up as.
		As for the bright side itself, the changes might allow me to better understand how others feel, and thus, better understand the stories they tell, the jokes they engage in, and the motivations they have.
		I might fit in with normal people better.
		If this new sexual side of me remains weak, it might be able to coexist with my more important, rational side.
		If the changes progress too far though, I see two possible futures for me.
		The better future leaves me miserable.
		My new sexual side keeps me from being happy unless I act on it, while my rational side keeps me from making the foolish decisions my sexual side would want me to make.
		I&apos;ll be forever conflicted.
		The worse future leaves me happy.
		I lose the qualities that redeem me as a person, my conscience and rationality, and become a full-fledged sexual being.
		I know that breeding is bad.
		We humans have overpopulated the planet.
		As someone that realises this, it&apos;s my <strong>*duty*</strong> not to make it worse.
		But if this new sexuality takes over my mind too far ...
		I might even think the change is a positive thing.
		And that&apos;s what scares me most.
		I might become what I view as evil and <strong>*enjoy it*</strong>, no longer seeing it as evil at all.
	</p>
	<p>
		I fear my new found freedom might actually, overall, be bad for me.
		I fear my recent changes might&apos;ve been triggered by my mental wounds healing.
		I had that one nightmare the other day, I&apos;m not sure what that was about, but other than that, my nightmares are gone.
		My fear every time I hear a knock on my door is gone.
		I feel ... well, free.
		It could be that due to my repressive home life, my sexual side wasn&apos;t able to develop.
		Like, I might be asexual because of circumstance, not genetics.
		Without sexuality to cloud it, my logical side had nearly full control, though I admit I can be emotional at times.
		What if my now that I&apos;m free, my sexual side has decided to rear its ugly head?
		What if I&apos;m turning into one of <strong>*them*</strong>?
		I live in relative bliss now, compared to my old life.
		But is it worth it?
		If this goes too far, I think not.
	</p>
	<p>
		Another possibility is my diet.
		I went years before going vegan, not knowing I was allergic to milk.
		The skin made my skin crawl and I had severe depression all the time.
		I thought this was just because I was defective.
		After giving up milk, I recovered.
		However, because of my mother&apos;s problems, I wasn&apos;t able to keep decent edible food in the house.
		I ate very poorly just to survive.
		I won&apos;t say I&apos;ve been eating the most healthy diet ever, but when I&apos;ve craved something, I&apos;ve been able to have it.
		Cravings are often a body&apos;s way of telling you what it needs, so it makes a lot of sense I&apos;m doing better now.
		But that, again, could be a cause of my previously-latent sexual side awakening now.
		(I mentioned going on a diet yesterday, but that&apos;s too early to be the cause of this, and also began after it started.
		To be clear, it&apos;s not my most recent diet that I refer to as being what has potentially improved my health.)
	</p>
	<p>
		I still have a chance though: my father&apos;s genetics.
		I&apos;m told my father mostly lacks sexuality, and when married to my mother, went months on end without interest in sex.
		If my father&apos;s not dampened by an unknown milk allergy or something, and that lack of sexuality is genetic, it&apos;s possible I inherited the blessed gene.
		For my father&apos;s relationship, it was an undesirable trait.
		But for me ... I know that creating babies is bad for the planet.
		I know that people do idiotic things to improve their chances of getting laid.
		Logically, this gene would be positive in my life, as long as I know what I am and am honest to others about it.
		If I were to become involved in a relationship, it would be my responsibility to, right from the start, explain that a relationship with me does not involve sex.
		If sex is desired, I&apos;m the wrong partner and they should find a more-compatible mate.
		If I have strange, sexual urges flare up every several months at most, that should be manageable and resistible.
		My father didn&apos;t resist because my father didn&apos;t have a reason to.
		I do.
	</p>
	<p>
		If I had medical insurance, I&apos;d love to talk to a doctor about my sudden hormone shifts.
		However, the Oregon Health Plan website kept erasing my application.
		I should make it a priority to figure out how to apply in person.
		Maybe I&apos;ll do that between university terms.
	</p>
</section>
<section id="university">
	<h2>University life</h2>
	<p>
		My professor docked me points for verbosity.
		It disheartened me, so didn&apos;t feel like working on coursework today.
		I&apos;ll probably get back to work tomorrow.
	</p>
</section>
END
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